Monday, November 30, 2009

Nail in the Coffin

NOOO!!!!!

I just heard (read) that Chris Cooley was placed on IR. This makes me sad. The on thing keeping me going this season was the possibility that Captain Chaos could make a late season return and lead the Redskins to their 4th and final win of the season. Now, that will have to wait until next year.

This year has been extremely painful for my 'skins. Their injury list is now starting to bear way too much resemblance to their preseason projected starting lineup.

Portis
Cooley
Haynesworth
Jarmon
Hall
Samuels
Jansen
Betts

... pretty sure I am missing an offensive lineman or two.

In a way, the new look Redskins are kind of exciting to watch. I felt a certain amount of pride watching these guys with no hope of playoffs playing their guts out against the Eagles yesterday. In the end, the exhausted defense couldn't hold out in the closing minutes. It was disappointing, but right now the expectations are so low that just seeing more than 20 points causes a certain amount of excitement.

So this is yet another awful season for the Redskins. All in all, this blog post is simply an excuse to, once again, pay homage to Mr and Mrs Cooley.




Friday, November 27, 2009

Now you tell me!

Happy Thanksgiving Y'all!!!

This post comes to you from the often-sought rarely-seen "Chuck's PC" at home base. With extra PTO days to spare this young(ish) accountant has taken advantage and is spending Black Friday at anyplace-but-work. Have fun working that Daily Recap succkas!!!

So Thanksgiving was turkey goodness as always. Mom throws together a nice meat and potatoes meal and the relatives are good people. The only downside is that I was able to tune in to the Green Bay - Detroit game, which stank, and then had to turn the channel to Sam the Fireman for the benefit of nephew Nate. Ohhhh welllll.

But none of that has anything to do with anything. This morning I have all sorts of free time on my hands. So as I am busy putting together a kick ass radio station courtesy of Pandora.com, I was just reading the latest edition of Jambaroo over at Deadspin and came across this as the Redskins vs Eagles preview:

Redskins at Eagles: A friend of mine just got engaged. For you bachelors out there, there is nothing more terrifying than the time in between the moment you buy an engagement ring, and the moment you propose. Not because you're getting nervous about marriage. But because you're walking around with a bauble in your pocket worth thousands of dollars. You want to get rid of that shit as fast as you can, to give it to your woman so she assumes all responsibility for it. That whole time YOU have the ring, you freak the fuck out over losing it. That's why I never suggest you plan on bringing an engagement ring to some tropical locale, or try hiding it in a soufflé, or some retarded thing like that. Just get rid of the fucker ASAP.

Ha! I had to laugh because I went through the same thing. Have you ever spent multiple days traveling a serious distance in strange lands with a multi-thousand dollar item in your posession? Man is that scary. Not only did I have multiple layovers, I was travelling to Colombia. You know all the rumors about Colombia? It ended up all for the best in the end, but complications like customs and checkpoints were a constant worry. Just before we got to Parque Tayrona we had to get searched by a couple military dudes. I was freaking out the whole time because, A) I didn't want them to pull out the ring and ruin the surprise, and B) I'm sorry for gringo tendencies but I was not, at that point, confident that there was no corruption in the military. So, I had to act all fishy and kind of interject my body between the guys and my fiance.

Luckily, everything worked out, I didn't get robbed, and I didn't just lose it because I'm stupid like that. I just wish I had that piece of advice a little beforehand.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Keep the squirrels out of it.



"His name is Twiggy the Squirrel,and he's three years old. How 'bout that? That squirrel can water-ski. Man, that's hilarious."

Today must be politics ranting Thursday. Maybe I'll try to limit my politics beef to Thursday, it might bring some organization to the mix. Anyway, I happen to live in the congressional district recently made famous by the likes of national heavyweights like Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin as they piped in on the election between Doug Hoffman and Bill Owens.

I've heard about hotly contested congressional seats before but this is the first time I have ever been at ground zero. My God was it annoying. There was non-stop commercials on tv, invasive phone calls, and radio commercials every 5 seconds. You have no idea how much I was praying for it to just come and go. But not even the actual election would make the drama disappear.

Nope, instead of nice neat landslide victory for Hoffman, as everyone was predicting, it had to be a close victory for Owens, the evil-liberal-socialist-Pelosi-Democrat (Hoffman's words, not mine). Hoffman ended up conceding and that should have been that.

But wait! Hold the phone, it turns out that as the straggling votes were being counted, it was actually much closer.In the days following the election, and with a few thousand absentee ballots to go through, there was still a glimmer of hope for Hoffman, the common-sense-conservative-Reagan-Republican (Hoffman's words, not mine). There was hope yet for Republicans to regain their 150 year strangle hold on upstate New York!

Hoffman has already proven to me to be a minor nuisance compared to the big guns in the country. He publicly complained about not being given questions far enough in advance, bitched constantly about socialism and Pelosi, and showed everyone that he knew nothing at all about the area. His interviews basically consisted of him repeating ad nauseum that he was a "common sense conservative", whatever the hell that means. I even witnessed him gushing on the Glenn Beck show how much he learns from him and essentially declared his love for Beck. In essence, he looked immature and inept, at best.

The election should have made him go away. However, the updated vote count kept him hanging around, and announced (On Beck's show) that he was un-conceded. That's fine. However, he decided to open his mouth again, and it is painfully apparent that he is extremely immature. He's now blaming the whole thing on ACORN. It's really embarrassing, and I feel bad for him. The ACORN thing is such an obvious grab for more donations. The likes of Beck and co have done such an amazing job building of the infamy of ACORN that conservatives everywhere have declared the organization as a sworn enemy.

The final count on this vote should have been completed on Monday. Hopefully this time it will end the issue, and I won't have to hear about the 23rd until... next year? Shit.

Update: Hoffman has given up on the election again and will not file any charges. Don't worry though, he will most likely return to the thick of the Upstate NY action next year for another edition of "Democrats, Chicago Politics, and ACORN.. Oh My!!!".


Pussies hiding behind the bible

There's nothing I love more than smug assholes twisting the words of the Bible and the Constitution to suit their needs. The Bible-thumpers are particularly disturbing as ones faith in God can be a very powerful thing.

For some, faith can be the driving force that keeps them going. It can help people through tragedies and trials. It can bring people back from the brink of self-destruction. It can also be a routine every day source of happiness. There's any number of reasons why faith and religion can be a positive influence in the world.

For others, it is a motivation for actions that one would normally be too chicken shit to conduct without some viable excuse. The Bible is a large book. There's a lot of business going on in there. In fact, there's enough material in there to supply any twisted fuck with enough divine guidance to do just about anything their perverted mind wishes to undertake.

Quite a few years ago I recall some documentary that was interviewing some backwoods hillbilly. He was sitting there on his bed with a high-powered rifle across his lap and discussing his hatred for gays. The one line that has stuck in my head, and always will, is, "...and if the good lord tells me to shoot, I will shoot." This man believed that he was God's tool to kill homosexuals.

Another example are the anti-abortion fanatics. Abortion in itself is a very controversial topic. Unfortunately, it has become a very political issue and there are millions of people who will vote primarily on that issue alone. Personally, as long as the procedure is deemed legal, it should be up to the choice of the individual. If, for some reason, it is overturned, I will accept the decision and move on, without loss of sleep. It is not that big of an issue (to me). However, there are some who believe that it is necessary that doctors who do these procedures should be killed. In doing this, they believe that they are doing God's work. I call bullshit. The murder of a doctor does not make you a saint. It makes you a murderer, and you will burn in Hell. Plain and simple.

There are countless examples of religious fanatics justifying their actions by saying God told them to do it (George W Bush claiming that God told him to go to war in Iraq, Spanish Inquisitions, etc.). The point is, I'm not buying any of it. It's things like this which cause my view of religion to be somewhat jaded. How is it that, with the potential for so much good, so many of the faithful use religion as an excuse for insidious deeds?

Which brings me to my point: the extreme religious right using God and the Bible as justification for absolute insanity in their stance on President Obama. The idiocy started right about a year ago when stupid-ass chain emails were being tossed around declaring Obama was the anti-christ. My dear parents were receiving these emails weekly from a church acquaintance which allowed me the opportunity to read the crap first-hand.

Let me tell you something, the Bible can be interpreted to justify just about anything if you want it to. I bet that, with a little work, I could use the good book to justify me eating a whole pizza for lunch, skipping out on work early, getting piss drunk, and then hitting up the titty-bar. Pretty sure I could also use it to justify punching you in the face. Whatever.

Cowards do this on a regular basis. There's nothing quite as motivating as divine justification.

The latest in extreme religious right wing actions is the fad known as "hide-behind-scripture-wishing-for-the-death-of-Obama-without-actually-saying-it". I came upon an article yesterday which talks about these new bumper stickers/ t-shirts/ assorted asshole merchandise which reads some variation of "Pray for Obama - Psalm 109:8". Without doing any research or having the Bible committed to memory, one would think this is a nice thing by nice religious people. If you look up the Psalm however, you get this:

"Let his days be few; and let another take his office and charge"

Still, no big deal, right? Other than the fact that it looks like some douche bags are using scripture to pray Obama out of office, of course. I mean, the line between religion and government has been blurring for some time now, and for the religious right it has ceased to exist altogether.

When you read on to the next line, however, you get this:

"Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow"

...and now you are just in asshole fuck religious fanatic territory.

Just come out and say it, cowards. Come right out and make your t-shirts say, "Pray for the murder of Obama". That's what you really want to say. So just come out and say it. Don't be coy and sneaky. And what makes these people different from the fanaticism of the likes of Al Qaeda? Not too much, in my opinion.

What would happen if we had people doing the same thing releasing this merchandise in regards to George W Bush? You know what would happen. What's the difference? These people are justified because of their faith.

With Secret Service recently reporting that death threats have skyrocketed since Obama took office, I find it extremely irresponsible with the way that some are inciting violence and anger. For 99.9% of the population, it is all just talk. But there are those few, who take it upon themselves to do the unthinkable, and it is those who are the most dangerous. What sets those few apart from the docile masses?

Why, it's God, of course. And each one of those individuals believes that God is on their side.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Veteran's Day Update

Well, the awesomeness known as "No-Work-Wednesday" has come and gone and here I am back at work where I have the time and leisure to blog. My checklist went like this:

Sleeping Late - Success! I managed to stay in bed until 9am, at which point I treated myself to extended viewings of Sportscenter, multiple cups of coffee, and a three egg omelette with cheese and bacon.

Video Games - You know it. I finally finished the main quest of Fallout 3 and the DLC Point Lookout. I've been stringing that game along for more than a year. While Fallout may be sick, it's about time to wrap it up.

Rocking Out - Eh, not so much. Extended video gaming led to a lack of time to devote to enjoying fine musicians like Pearl Jam and Michael Buble.

Eating Calzone - I ate the shit out of that calzone. However, my first real exposure to calzones came during my senior year of college. We used to get these things from a place called Sabastino's and my god were they delicious. You had to turn it upside over a trash if you wanted to pour some of the extra butter and grease out. Everything I've ever tried since then has been a little more healthy and a lot more boring. I'd probably kill a child if it would get me one of those.

Not Showering - Check!

Watch a Bunch of Movies - Only got to one. GI Joe was ok. There was nothing about it that particularly made me think, "wow, this is exactly like GI Joe!!!". All in all, I probably would have to give it ... 2 Lebowski's.

Getting Drunk - Nope. After a super rich omelette and a big fat calzone I would spend the rest of my day alternating between shitting and not shitting.

So that was my Veteran's Day. Thank you troops for allowing me to stuff my face, get sick, and watch bad movies.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Support the troops!

The time is going by slower than molasses in January today. Most likely it's due to the fact that I am super stoked that tomorrow is Veterans Day and this guy doesn't have to go to work. Just thinking about it makes me giddy. I have absolutely no actual plans for the day off but all I know is that I don't have to do anything accounting related and that is pure awesomeness.

There are a number of reasons why working for a bank sucks but the fact that we get to observe all those sweet holidays is alright with me. So, my activities for tomorrow will be pretty much limited to the following:

  • Sleeping late (at least until 8)
  • Playing video games (I will finish Fallout 3)
  • Rocking out
  • Eating a calzone
  • Not showering
  • Watch a bunch of movies
That about sums it up. Maybe I could:

  • getting drunk
...as well. But after my Halloween, I'm kind of hesitant to be partaking in that particular activity for a little while.

I'm having a hard time deciding what movies to watch with my free day. I'd like to give the GI Joe film a shot. What guy my age wasn't a huge fan of Joe back in the day. Like most things I assume that the movie will fuck it all up. For Christ sake they have Sienna Miller in the movie!!! Name me any good movies at all that she's in. Or, for bonus points, just name any movies that she's been in.

Anyway, those are my aspirations in appreciation of the brave men and women who defend my freedom and ability to be a total lazy piece of shit.

Thank you, and God bless.


Army Girl - Watch more amazing videos here

Friday, November 6, 2009

Ain't no party like a crazy tea party cause a crazy tea party don't.......

STOP!

Christ almighty, just when you think the Republican party has reached the limits of acting the fool, they go ahead and show you just how much further they're willing to take things.



The latest batch of lunacy has come courtesy of a woman who, more often than not, I can never remember if she is a pundit or an actual elected representative: Michelle Bachmann.

You may know Bachmann for a number of incidents. She's a recently elected senator from Minnesota who seems to be doing her best to get a firm monopoly on crazy.

Last year she famously called for a full investigation in to members of Congress for "anti-American behavior". She then, somehow, was re-elected with 46% of the vote. I could spend a number of blog postings on the weird shit she gets in to but I really just want to talk about the most recent tea party bidness.

Bachmann recently called upon all of the loyal Fox News subjects to march on the Capital yesterday to protest against the health reform bill, bringing their fight right to the heart of the matter. She was quoted as saying the protesters should "scare" lawmakers in to killing the bill. I find it hard to believe that this woman would encourage citizens to engage in bully tactics and intimidation. Honestly, the right can criticize and make claims that we are being attacked by socialism and maoism and maxism and however many "isms" they want; the fact remains that they are allowing themselves to become a party built on dictatorships, despotism, and mostly mob-rule.

So, the tea party hooligans were at it again, descending on D.C. with a number of signs telling the world just how out-of-their-fucking-minds they are. A number of these tools were arrested in Pelosi's office for trashing copies of the bill.

I'm sure this is no laughing matter to the members of Congress who have to stand face to face with these lunatics, but to the rest of the right thinking people, these efforts are laughable. Perhaps the most hilarious clip is the one of Rep Akin leading the crowd in a rousing rendition of the "Pledge of Allegiance". The hilarity comes as he declares that the pledge "drives liberals crazy", which was met by laughter.



HAHAHAHAHA! That's right! Those fucking liberals are going to be driven to their knees by the mighty pledge! Well, this one proved to be ineffective to my liberal sensitivities. However, the potency of the attack may have been reduced by the fact that he fucked it all up. How embarrassing. Apparently Akin is not familiar with the components of a spell, and that failing on the verbal will cause it to dissipate from memory. Now he'll have to return to an inn and restore that particular spell back to his memory before he can use it again. What a fuckin n00b.

Throughout that whole ordeal I found myself thinking of the Knights who say "ni"



Perhaps they will send Pelosi on a quest to find a shrubbery. Maybe she'll even have to chop it down with a herring.

Anyway, I thought that the recent election would be the peak of the lunacy for the right this week. After hearing for weeks how NY-23 was the race to watch and seeing a number of conservative heavyweights back up interloper Doug Hoffman, that race suddenly became meaningless when Democrat Bill Owens won in a district that has been strictly Republican for 150 years. "No no no, you've got it all wrong. The governor races of VA and NJ were the real forum on America, and America has decided 'down with Obama!!!!'!!!". !!! !

It is becoming apparent that the Republicans are being hijacked by a minority of extremists. They have three things going for them though: they are fucking loaded with money, they are loud as shit, and they're so off-the-chain crazy that nothing will stop them.

But maybe this will:

Ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!




















Ni!